IDF Script

Let me preface this by saying I have no idea how to write or format a film script. However, like the heroes of our story, I don't intend to let that stop me.

Concept

The film is to be frames as a sort of documentary, with occasional subtext and voice overs to provide additional information. Our characters themselves are very "genre savy", in that they are well aware that their lives are a pulp sci-fi adventure. IDF World provides more background on the universe they live in. Obviously the movie will never take itself very seriously, we are striving to have fun creating awesome visual effects and whatnot.

Opening

• Idea 1 The movie opens with a nearly black screen with maybe one or two dots, and the subtitle "Space". It then says "You know what? Actual pictures of space are really boring." The screen then changes to a fantastic CGI starscape with subtitle "Space (Artists Depiction)". Going forward, most things in film will have "Artists Depiction" added on to the end. - Mike doesn't care for this idea

• Idea 2 Movie opens with fabulous, fantastic space vista with just the subtitle "Space(Artists Depiction)"

• Idea 3 Neither of those, just cut to bellow.

Opening Sequence

Short sequence depicting the character's location, giving the name of the solar system, the planet, and the moon, all with descriptors that do not paint it in a particularly good light. Things like "Ass-end" and "armpit of". Something like:

"Remote Ammonia Mining Station G2" "Orbiting Ganamari 8" "Ass-End of the Steno Ganamarian System" "Armpit of the Milky-Way Galaxy"

Our heroes are wearing bulky space suits. The insides of the helmets are illuminated so you can clearly see their faces. Despite this, Ivan is wearing sunglasses.

Shot opens with Ivan, alone, firing a laser gun at the rock face and watching it explode and pieces fly off. Terrence comes out of a side passage and berates him, indicating that "lasers are expensive" and making him stop. The two then proceed down an inclinde, and Terrence asks if they are "getting close".

Ivan launches into an explanation of how the asteroidal moon gathers ammonia from one of the planet's rings, which gets pulled down to the asteroid surface and flows into caves, where the asteroid's gravity eventually produces enough pressure and cold for it to condense into a liquid. Terrence makes a comment about how his balls are frozen.

In any case, Ivan continues and explains that they are here to re-start the laser-fusion initiators on a remote ammonia harvesting machine. Terrence questions why Ivan is telling him all these things he already knows, to which Ivan replies that "since your brains are frozen, I thought you might need a reminder."

Ivan hits his head on a rock outcropping and complains that he can barely see. Terrence replies that these suits stupidly have lights inside the helmet shining in their eyes. He also comments that Ivan's sunglasses probably aren't helping.

Subtext informs the viewer that they have reached "The (highly unstable) Laser Fusion Initiator".

Our heroes approach the console and Terrence asks if Ivan knows how to operate one of these. Ivan smacks the console with the butt of his gun and it comes online, and Ivan announces "piece of cake". The initiator then informs them of a pending core overload.

We could stop the scene right there and cut to them safely on ship, or do some bullshit where they solve the problem.

First Act

Scene 1

Brief establishing shot around Beowulf's crowded living quarters.

Terrence(emerging from a hatch at the rear): "MY space suit is going to smell like ammonia for months."

Ivan: "Better than the smell before you cleaned it out."

Terrence crosses the cramped cabin and deposits a bottle of cleaner into a rack and sits down at the terminal in the corner.

Ivan, still standing and holding a star chart: "Computer, prepare to break orbit and lay in course preset one-one-two-mark four."

Computer: "Sorry, I didn't get that."

Ivan: "Computer, break orbit."

Computer: "Checking stock prices... unable to esablish connection."

Ivan(rolling up the star chart): "Computer! Orbit! Break it!"

Computer: "Checking show times for 'Breakin' Two: Electric Bogaloo."

Camera pans back to Terrence.

Terrence: "Ivan, you just have to know how to work it. Watch. Computer: smooth jazz." (note: we can substitute a different kind of music so long as its recognizable)

Computer begins to play music.

Terrence: "See?"

Ivan twists star chart into a pretzel just as indicator light flashes on console behind Terrence.

Crossing the cabin, Ivan shuts off a speaker which stops the music.

They lean over a screen which shows a weird rubber forheaded alien, whom we know as Slade.

Terrence: "What the hell do you want, Slade?!"

Slade: "Such hostility! I come bearing gifts."

Terrence: "Forget it, Slade, your last 'gift' sent us into an exploding Amonia mine. We're mercenaries, k? We don't need the shitty work YOU provide!" Now on the spaceship, Terrence complains that his space suit is going to smell like ammonia for months. Ivan replies that that's better than what it smelled like before Terrence cleaned out the inside. (The implication is that Terrence shit his space-pants and had to clean them out with ammonia).

Through the screen, we can see Slade is sitting behind a desk in a spacious office, with a bikini-clad alien babe behind him. He leans back and orders a drink. "Danglesh, please, Quanthex Dankers." The girl nods and takes a step over to a replicator in the wall and carefully punches in a series of commands, a drink is replicated and she brings it to Slade's table. He awkwardly uses the moment to brush his hand against her bare skin, and she is obviosuly repulsed by his touch. He takes a zip from the weird alien drink, and returns his attention to our heroes.

Slade: "This one calls for your all-important skill-set! Sort of. Namely, having a ship, and still always needing money."

Terrence: "I got what you need right here." as he speaks he points down, either towards a button on the console or his crotch. Either way he reaches for the button, but Ivan stops him.

Ivan: "Just tell us about the job."

Slade: "A trinket, really. I need you to go Barleone and retrieve an item for me. I've taken an interest is Miduan culture, I believe their Heart of Light would look good on my mantle."

Terrence(insensed): "You want us to STEAL a cultural treasure from a repressed native tribe?!"

Slade(Defensively): "Not from the natives! From your old friend, Muldoon."

Ivan(through gritted teeth): "Muldoon..."

Terrence: "The jackass miner? HIM?! Yeah, Slade, that's definitely a 'no'."

Slade(grinning): "It's not like anyone else will hire the two of you."

Terrence hits the control and blanks the screen.

Scene 2

Scene opens from front of living quarters, Ivan is standing beside cabinet, Terrence is sitting at Table with two bowls and a bottle of something purple. Terrence tosses a fistful of alien coins onto the table. The denominations aren't important, but its clear from the look on his face that its a pathetically meager amount.

Ivan: "I'm getting dinner from the replicator, any requests?"

Terrence(Distracted): "Dealer's choice."

Ivan Taps something at the top of the cabinet before opening it and bringing out two unlabeled tin cans. He brings them back to the table and the camera pans up to his face.

Ivan: "Space-dinner is served." (His hands are out of frame, play sound effect of pop tops opening).

As Ivan sits, camera pans back down to table. One can contains something that looks like baked beans, while the other is clearly dog food. Dry kibble, something with the little bone shapes. Ivan dumps each can into a bowl.

Shrugging, Ivan takes the beans and settles into his seat, grabbing the purple bottle and squirting heaping gobs of the stuff onto his beans.

Ivan: "Aren't you going to try it?"

Camera cuts to far side of table to show Terrence, clearly disturbed by the can's contents.

Terrence: "...I'm not hungry."

Camera cuts back to Ivan, still heaping purple crap on his food.

Ivan: "I bet it tastes fine. It just needs a generous helping of... of..."

Ivan holds the label up for Terrence to see, the bottle is labeled in incomprehensible alienease.

Ivan: "What the hell is this crap?"

Terrence takes the bottle from Ivan while Ivan piles a large spoonfool of food into his mouth. He immediately turns red, starts coughing and choking, and sweats very profusely.

Camera cuts back to Terrence, who considers the bottle thoughtfully while Ivan flails and cries at the edge of the screen.

Terrence: "Who even does our shopping?"

Computer: "Sorry, I couldn't find movie times for 'agh, I think I'm dying, hnnnn'."

Terrence, nodding and gesturing to the speaker above him "Right".

Terrence tosses the bottle abjectly on the table and leans back, staring up at nothing.

Terrence: "We wouldn't have to put up with this bullshit if I still had my reputation." (note: this needs to be phrased better)

Scene pauses for a moment as subtext clarifies: "Bullshit" = Dangerous, low-paying missions, dog food.

Camera cuts back over to Ivan, who has recovered some.

Ivan: "Dude... we see and do enough crazy crap every day, who even cares? We're flying through the galaxy on a spaceship. Everything else is secondary."

Camera cuts back to show Terrence, who thumps his fist on the table and taps the glass bowl of kibble irritably.

Terrence: "I'd call this secondary." (Note: this line could also be improved) Terrence's short rant about the alien impersonating him goes here.

Camera cuts back over to Ivan.

Ivan: "WEll, you know what I think?" He pauses to take a second bite of food.

Camera cuts to a side view of both heroes, Ivan still with the spoon in his mouth, turning bright red and sweating again.

Terrence: "No, I really don't care what you think."

Scene.

Scene 3

Later that evening we get a few establishing shots around the ship. There's a cockpit area and some living space. Not much, our heroes sleep in bunk beds, and the center of the room they live in contains the transporter platform. The whole space is cramped, with exposed conduits and tubing everywhere, and decorated the way you'd expect two broke bachelors to do up a room. We need at least one poster of a green-skinned alien.

With Ivan asleep, Terrence sits down at the chair by the communications terminal and contemplates a bird feather. The camera cuts to a scene in which he talks to his spirit animal, a bird with a broken wing. Maybe he won't actually talk. We'll figure out the specifics later. Eventually it cuts back to the ship where Terrence returns to the communications system and raises the alien from before.

Slade is sitting in his desk chair, leaning back, while an obviously disgusted alien babe rubs his sholders. He's got some kind of computer device in his hand, we can't see the screen from this angle but a chorus of moaning gives us a good idea of what's going on.

Slade, without looking up: "Here to re-consider?"

Terrence: "Here to at least listen to terms."

Slade sets the tablet down and turns to face the screen. He snaps his fingers and the very uncomfortable girl sits down on his lap.

Slade: "Its very simple. The Heart of Light. Muldoon has it. I want it. Since you loath him and hold some affection for me, I think you'll be willing to help."

Terrence: "Skip to the part where you offer me way to little money for such a dangerous job."

Slade(wrapping him arm around the girl's middle and leaning in): "Oh, Terrence, my dear boy, I've something so much more valuable to offer you than money."

Terrence wrincles his face and glowers at the screen, but manages to speak. "Go on."

Slade: "When that nasty fellow, I forget his name, the one who impersonated you all those months? Do you recall how many times you and I spoke during that dreadful period?"

Terrence, crestfallen. "...it was more than a few. You were the only one giving us steady work during that time."

Slade, leaning back and trying unsuccessfully to make the girl lean against him: "You know I am quite meticulous with my communications logs. Each and every one of those conversations was recorded, along with the date, time, and your ship's exact coordinates at the time of transmission."

Terrence is still upset but his eyes lift at the prospect.

The girl struggles to escape Slade's grip and he lets her go, patting her on the ass as she walks out of frame.

Slade: "Your own ships logs aren't worth a damn to all the people that fellow swindled. But my records, a... proven source, from a respected businessman. That, I think, might finally convince your detractors."

Scene cuts off there.

Scene 4

The following day our heroes set off for the jump gate. The computer is no help but we get some exciting scenes as they pilot the ship. Ivan flies and Terrence navigates. Lets say they're orbiting a moon around a gas giant, and they have to fly through a dense asteroid field and navigate a gaseous stream to get to the gate.

Actually, they totally don't "Have" to fly through said field, but the jump window is opening soon and if they want to get there in time they have to take the risk. Had they had working auto-navigation, the ship could have flown the long and safe way while they slept. But, Ivan is unconcerned, as "this is more fun".

Some cool space scenes, they avoid the asteroids, fly in close to some, and get into a gaseous stream which will not be explained, but involves some cool stuff. Ivan stalls the engines(he's been trained on 2-engine craft and this is a frequent occurrence on their four-engine vehicle).

Scene 5

They arrive eventually at the jump gate, which will look really cool and is crowded with alien ships. If I can get away with it I want to sneak the Enterprise somewhere into the background. Before they can fly in for the jump, they have to wait in line and go through a toll booth, which will be the same in space as it is on earth. This wait is implied to last several hours.

Ivan and Terrence are sitting in the cockpit looking bored. Terrence has the bowl of kibble up at his station.

Reacting to some signal, Ivan manipulated the controls and a pattern of lights indicates the ship moves forward some and stops.

Cut to view of outside, as the cockpit comes close to a booth where an alien sits at a control pannel.

Cut back to view inside cockpit, low angle showing Ivan reacting to a COM screen and Terrence in the background at his station.

Alien: "Hey, that's a pretty sweet ship you got there."

Ivan, proudly: "Thanks, I rebuilt the engines myself."

Alien: "...out of what?"

Ivan: "I dunno what they were, but they're engines now!"

Alien: "Niiiiice. Full-bore Bussard collectors?"

Ivan: "You know it!"

Alien: "Adle-hoof intakes?"

Ivan: "Only the finest!"

Alien: "...Myhoff Lifters?"

Ivan: "In mint condition."

Alien(dejected): "You... have no idea what any of those things are."

Ivan: "Frankly I'm not even sure what language you're speaking."

While the above is going on in the background, Terrence starts by eyeing his bowl of kibble. He picks a piece up, studies it closely, and finally tosses it in his mouth. For a moment his face is placid, then he makes a very disgusted expression, sticks out his tongue a few times, and leans over to spit. He spits again, coughs, and dry-heaves for the rest of the exchange.

Alien: "Well, everything looks like its in order. Final destination?"

Ivan: "We're going to--"

Terrence interupts: "We're going to Bussell System, to

Its as they approach the jump that Ivan goes to give a final destination, and Terrence interrupts to provide a different one. Ivan is shocked, but Terrence overrides him and they go to the destination specified. During this scene Terrence explains briefly that they are "taking the job".

Scene 6

Scene begins with an outside view of the ships, camera panning towards a window. We can see in through the window with Ivan and Terrance sitting at the table, gesturing emphatically at each other as if embroiled in some sort of argument. The camera switches to the inside, and Ivan finishes with "You say 'phallic' like that's a bad thing." Terrence calls him an idiot.

Ivan then takes out a small tablet and provides a brief overview of the item they are to steal. The Heart of Light is a cultual treasure belonging to the madeupname people of the planet they eventually go to (which for now we will call "planet salvador" because shut up). Many of the indigenous people's cultural treasures have been stolen by outsiders who have been just fucking up the planet. The place is rich in natural resources, see, and the dude they have to steal from runs a bigass mine.

Ivan calls the people of planet salvador "primitive" but Terrence quickly corrects him, saying that they have a rich, vibrant culture, and its only because of jerks like EvilMiningGuy that they get such a bad rap. Ivan counters by pointing out that they hadn't developed high technology, at which point Terrence says something disparaging about Ivan's mother and her level of technological advancement.

The argument ended, Terrence concedes that "we don't know very much about [the natives]" but there's nothing wrong with the way they live.

Scene 7

Terrence and Ivan consider a map of the solar system containing planet salvador, including the jump gate, space port, and orbital refinery. They know the Heart of Light is in one of Badminingguy's estates on the planet, and conveniently plan their heist for a time when he won't be home.

The problem is: everything coming in and out of the solar system is tracked. There isn't another nearby jumpgate in range(the nearest other habitable solar system is hundreds of light years, a journey of weeks in Beowulf(their starship).

Ivan offers that he can use Beowulf's main deflector to open a transpatial flector. Terrence immediately calls bullshit on this statement, not because he thinks its impossible, but because he things Ivan just pulled those words out of his ass. Ivan explains its, quote "A thing you can do" while traversing between jump gates. Its basically a less controlled version of how the gates work, but if they time it right, it will kick them out into normal space "short" of the gate - meaning they can travel to the solar system without having to pass through the gate at the end.

Terrence enquirers if this same technique could be used to enter the jumpgate network, which Ivan confrims. He then ponders why no one does this(as it would bypass tolls), and Ivan simple shrugs and figures no ones ever thought of it. The subtext informs the viewer that it is "suicidally dangerous" and that Ivan is probably aware of that.

Second Act

They execute Ivan's insane plan and have to evade patrols. Since they can't enter orbit around the planet they will have to do a fly-by and go down in an escape pod(if there's time they can complain about the cost - escape pods ain't cheap). They can get beamed back up, but they have to set the coordinates ahead of time and rely on the ship's notoriously fallable computer. How much of this we actually expos is up for consideration, but that's the plan.

Before leaving the ship, Terrence calls to Ivan to get moving, and Ivan says that he "just needs to get some food out of the replicator" for the trip. At this point the camera angle actually allows us to see inside, revealing the replicator to litterally just be a pantry. Ivan still makes a big show of asking the replicator for something before opening it.

They arrive on the planet surface, making a water landing just off the coast and have to swim to shore. On the beach they announce that they have 3 days to get to the beam-out coordinates, set the beacon, infiltrate the base, steal the thing, and make it back to the beam-out site.

Follow this up with a short travel montage. Lots of walking/hiking. Terrence points out that they are on the native's territory, passing through an area not controlled by evil miner guy. It shouldn't be a problem since the natives are friendly, but, ya know.

When stopping to camp for the night, our heroes are set upon by some of the locals. Terrence can speak a little of their language, but Ivan is limited to hand signs. The Natives clearly think he's some kind of moron, but invite them to come to some sort of party or celebration anyway.

During the evening, Terrence is lured off by a hot alien babe who takes him to a secluded pond and takes off her clothes. Figuring he doesn't have to speak her language to get the hint, Terrence strips down and follows her into the pond. Before he can get anything started, though, the babe tries to feed him to some sort of monster. As he screams and tries to escape, Ivan kills the monster with a well-aimed laser blast. Terrence thanks him, and they decide to leave.

Next Part

Our heroes get to the mine, infiltrate the death fortress, and steal the thing. Obviously we've got a large amount of detail to fill in.

Some notes:

• The natives tell them about a tunnel
• Inside the tunnel they find a talking riddle door
• Ivan shoots the door several times and our heroes proceed through a hole in it.

They escape, and are helped by the tribe they met earlier. Terrence meets with the girl who tried to feed him to the monster, who explains that it's all a weird misunderstanding and she legitimately thought he wanted to be eaten. She makes it clear she has no interest in him sexually and even laughs at the idea. Though not explicitly stated, Terrence interprets this to be related to his recent disgrace, lamenting that even girls in primitive tribes know about it.

For their help, Ivan offers to return the Heart of Light to them, explaining that it's not right that they(he and Terrence) should keep it. The natives politely refuse the offer, explaining that "the heart of light is just some glowing hunk of rock we found in a cave" and that they have been pretending for years that all sorts of random bullshit is sacred cultural treasures so the invaders will steal those and leave their actual treasures alone.

Final Act

They get to the beam-out site on time and make it back to their ship. More bullshitting around in space ensues, and they escape and reach the planet where their contact is waiting to receive the thing. The planet could be a heavily atmosphere moon like Titan. One idea is we could use the HardWar video game to do some of the exterior shots(again, "artists depiction"). They meet with the contact and hand the thing over, and then Terrence asks for the information to clear his name. The guy laughs in his face, pointing out that, at most, six people were fooled and no one actually cares, Ivan and Terrance are so "small-time" that they don't have a reputation to speak of.

In the later scenes, our heroes infiltrate McForheadGuy's place, and reach a sealed door where he talks to them through a video display. Ivan blasts the door open and tells Terrence to go in, that he'll cover him. (Note: this is so that I can play McForheadGuy without having to be in the same room). Terrence faces him and his collection of bikin-clad alien babes. We'll need to find someplace suitably high-end to film this or get really creative with the set.

Dejected, our heroes return to the ship and Ivan sets a new course. Terrence asks why they're going there, and Ivan replies, quite simply "because we've never been there before" and the movie ends.

Extra

• Random Scene to jam in somewhere: Ivan and Terrence are seen through the window of the ship, sitting at the table arguing animately. Terrence is exasperated and annoyed, but its space so you can't hear what they're saying. Camera cuts to inside the ship, where Ivan finished a sentence with "I'm just saying, you act like the word 'phallic' is a bad thing."

• In a moment of moral angst, Terrence sits on the ship pondering a bird feather, and decides to contact his spirit animal for moral guidance. Cut to dream/vision sequence with Terrence and a hawk/bird of prey. There will be a log of weird artsy close ups of the bird's eye and shit, maybe Terrence screams out his frustrations? Try and get some Enya playing in the background. The quest is interupted by Ivan, saying something completely banal and unrelated.