IDF Script

Let me preface this by saying I have no idea how to write or format a film script. However, like the heroes of our story, I don't intend to let that stop me.

Concept

The film is to be frames as a sort of documentary, with occasional subtext and voice overs to provide additional information. Our characters themselves are very "genre savy", in that they are well aware that their lives are a pulp sci-fi adventure. IDF World provides more background on the universe they live in. Obviously the movie will never take itself very seriously, we are striving to have fun creating awesome visual effects and whatnot.

Opening

The movie opens with a nearly black screen with maybe one or two dots, and the subtitle "Space". It then says "You know what? Actual pictures of space are really boring." The screen then changes to a fantastic CGI starscape with subtitle "Space (Artists Depiction)". Going forward, most things in film will have "Artists Depiction" added on to the end.

Cut to our intrepid heroes in space suits on the surface of a moon somewhere, doing something. We will work out details on this, but whatever it is it's very dangerous. Also during this time, Ivan is seen firing off his laser gun at random points on the rock face, laughing with delight as they explode. Terrence makes him stop, pointing out that "laser beams are expensive" and whatnot.

They can't see much, its dark and the atmosphere around them is toxic. We might use wind-driven rain or smoke, not a lot should be visible. The characters have a brief conversation in which they mention that the space suits, with lights illuminating their faces, are nearly impossible to see in. Terrence further comments that Ivan's sunglasses probably aren't helping any.

Still, the coldy and calmly deal with their mission, which needs to be something absurdly dangerous that they narrowly survive. Somewhere during this whole sequence we'll have them using the transporter, which their ship has.

Maybe we can have them restarting a fusion engine or some bullshit?

First Act

Opening Scene/Scenes

After narrowly surviving whatever was in the opening, our heroes return to the spaceship, which will have a cool name. Ivan attempts to order the ship's AI to break orbit and put them on a heading to the nearest jump gate, but the AI, being barely more sophisticated than Siri, is not capable of doing as he asks. Terrence then explains that you "have to know how to work it" or something to that effect, and orders the AI to play music, which it does successfully(that's basically the one thing the AI can do right).

They are interrupted by the communications system and have a short exchange with a weird alien who offers them a job, which Terrance flatly turns down. The job involves theft, which our heroes won't do, and alien mcrubberhead indicates that "no one else will hire them". After terminating the link, the two settle in for dinner.

Terrence makes a statement about how they wouldn't have to "put up with" this nonsense if people still respected him. (Subtext will clarify that the "nonsense" in question is low-paying but extremely dangerous missions, and eating dog food). Ivan replies that he's over-reacting, and Terrence goes on a short rant about how some alien impersonated him and made a fool out of him, while burning their bridges with all their most important contacts.

Ivan makes a big show of getting some food "From the replicator" and the camera shows him pulling two cans out of a very ordinary looking cupboard. The shot will be arranged such that he opens the door towards the camera so the viewer can't see inside. He takes out two cans with no labels, and the dialogue implies that this is normal for their "replicator" after opening the cans and dumping them into bowls, one is baked beans and the other is clearly dog food. Terrence indicates he's not hungry.

Later that evening we get a few establishing shots around the ship. There's a cockpit area and some living space. Not much, our heroes sleep in bunk beds, and the center of the room they live in contains the transporter platform. The whole space is cramped, with exposed conduits and tubing everywhere, and decorated the way you'd expect two broke bachelors to do up a room. We need at least one poster of a green-skinned alien.

With Ivan asleep, Terrence returns to the communications system and raised the alien from before. They have a conversation in which said alien intones that he can "make everything right" for our heroes(particularly Terrence) and that he'll do it if they can retrieve an item called The Heart of Light from one of his rivals. Terrence ends the conversation by fiercely informing the guy that he'll "think about it".

Next Scenes

The following day our heroes set off for the jump gate. The computer is now help but we get some exciting scenes as they pilot the ship. Ivan flies and Terrence navigates. Lets say they're orbiting a moon around a gas giant, and they have to fly through a dense asteroid field and navigate a gaseous stream to get to the gate.

Actually, they totally don't "Have" to fly through said field, but the jump window is opening soon and if they want to get there in time they have to take the risk. Had they had working auto-navigation, the ship could have flown the long and safe way while they slept. But, Ivan is unconcerned, as "this is more fun".

Some cool space scenes, they avoid the asteroids, fly in close to some, and get into a gaseous stream which will not be explained, but involves some cool stuff. Ivan stalls the engines(he's been trained on 2-engine craft and this is a frequent occurrence on their four-engine vehicle).

They arrive eventually at the jump gate, which will look really cool and is crowded with alien ships. If I can get away with it I want to sneak the Enterprise somewhere into the background. Before they can fly in for the jump, they have to wait in line and go through a toll booth, which will be the same in space as it is on earth. This wait is implied to last several hours.

Its as they approach the jump that Ivan goes to give a destination, and Terrence interrupts to provide a different one. Ivan is shocked, but Terrence overrides him and they go to the destination specified. During this scene Terrence explains briefly that they are "taking the job".

Next Scene

The characters sit at their small table in the spaceship and Ivan provides a brief overview of the item they are to steal. The Heart of Light is a cultual treasure belonging to the madeupname people of the planet they eventually go to (which for now we will call "planet salvador" because shut up). Many of the indigenous people's cultural treasures have been stolen by outsiders who have been just fucking up the planet.

Ivan calls the people of planet salvador "primitive" but Terrence quickly corrects him, saying that they have a rich, vibrant culture, and its only because of jerks like EvilMiningGuy that they get such a bad rap. Ivan counters by pointing out that they hadn't developed high technology, at which point Terrence says something disparaging about Ivan's mother and her level of technological advancement.

The argument ended, Terrence concedes that "we don't know very much about [the natives]" but there's nothing wrong with the way they live.

The two then hatch a daring plan to steal the object anyway, which involves a lot of scifi bullshit. They can't just fly to the solar system because it's too far, and they can't take the jump gate because the only gate in the system is owned by the mining guy and he monitors it.

They eventually come up with a plan that involves going through the gate but "tearing a hole" in the system that will let them out in the outer solar system. Terrence comments that that has to violate some kind of law, "either civil or physical" and while Ivan agrees, he still maintains he can do it. Something involving the ship's main defelctor. Terrence ponders as to why no one's ever done this before, and Ivan simply shrugs and assumes no one's ever thought of it.

Second Act

They execute Ivan's insane plan and have to evade patrols. Since they can't enter orbit around the planet they will have to do a fly-by and go down in an escape pod(if there's time they can complain about the cost - escape pods ain't cheap). They can get beamed back up, but they have to set the coordinates ahead of time and rely on the ship's notoriously fallable computer. How much of this we actually expos is up for consideration, but that's the plan.

Before leaving the ship, Terrence calls to Ivan to get moving, and Ivan says that he "just needs to get some food out of the replicator" for the trip. At this point the camera angle actually allows us to see inside, revealing the replicator to litterally just be a pantry. Ivan still makes a big show of asking the replicator for something before opening it.

They arrive on the planet surface, making a water landing just off the coast and have to swim to shore. On the beach they announce that they have 3 days to get to the beam-out coordinates, set the beacon, infiltrate the base, steal the thing, and make it back to the beam-out site.

Follow this up with a short travel montage. Lots of walking/hiking. Terrence points out that they are on the native's territory, passing through an area not controlled by evil miner guy. It shouldn't be a problem since the natives are friendly, but, ya know.

When stopping to camp for the night, our heroes are set upon by some of the locals. Terrence can speak a little of their language, but Ivan is limited to hand signs. The Natives clearly think he's some kind of moron, but invite them to come to some sort of party or celebration anyway.

During the evening, Terrence is lured off by a hot alien babe who takes him to a secluded pond and takes off her clothes. Figuring he doesn't have to speak her language to get the hint, Terrence strips down and follows her into the pond. Before he can get anything started, though, the babe tries to feed him to some sort of monster. As he screams and tries to escape, Ivan kills the monster with a well-aimed laser blast. Terrence thanks him, and they decide to leave.

Next Part

Our heroes get to the mine, infiltrate the death fortress, and steal the thing. Obviously we've got a large amount of detail to fill in. They escape, and are helped by the tribe they met earlier. Terrence meets with the girl who tried to feed him to the monster, who explains that it's all a weird misunderstanding and she legitimately thought he wanted to be eaten. She makes it clear she has no interest in him sexually and even laughs at the idea. Though not explicitly stated, Terrence interprets this to be related to his recent disgrace, lamenting that even girls in primitive tribes know about it.

For their help, Ivan offers to return the Heart of Light to them, explaining that it's not right that they(he and Terrence) should keep it. The natives politely refuse the offer, explaining that "the heart of light is just some glowing hunk of rock we found in a cave" and that they have been pretending for years that all sorts of random bullshit is sacred cultural treasures so the invaders will steal those and leave their actual treasures alone.

Final Act

They get to the beam-out site on time and make it back to their ship. More bullshitting around in space ensues, and they escape and reach the planet where their contact is waiting to receive the thing. The planet could be a heavily atmosphere moon like Titan. One idea is we could use the HardWar video game to do some of the exterior shots(again, "artists depiction"). They meet with the contact and hand the thing over, and then Terrence asks for the information to clear his name. The guy laughs in his face, pointing out that, at most, six people were fooled and no one actually cares, Ivan and Terrance are so "small-time" that they don't have a reputation to speak of.

Dejected, our heroes return to the ship and Ivan sets a new course. Terrence asks why they're going there, and Ivan replies, quite simply "because we've never been there before" and the movie ends.

Extra

• Random Scene to jam in somewhere: Ivan and Terrence are seen through the window of the ship, sitting at the table arguing animately. Terrence is exasperated and annoyed, but its space so you can't hear what they're saying. Camera cuts to inside the ship, where Ivan finished a sentence with "I'm just saying, you act like the word 'phallic' is a bad thing."