IDF Script

Let me preface this by saying I have no idea how to write or format a film script. However, like the heroes of our story, I don't intend to let that stop me.

Concept

The film is to be frames as a sort of documentary, with occasional subtext and voice overs to provide additional information. Our characters themselves are very "genre savy", in that they are well aware that their lives are a pulp sci-fi adventure. IDF World provides more background on the universe they live in. Obviously the movie will never take itself very seriously, we are striving to have fun creating awesome visual effects and whatnot.

Opening

• Idea 1 The movie opens with a nearly black screen with maybe one or two dots, and the subtitle "Space". It then says "You know what? Actual pictures of space are really boring." The screen then changes to a fantastic CGI starscape with subtitle "Space (Artists Depiction)". Going forward, most things in film will have "Artists Depiction" added on to the end. - Mike doesn't care for this idea

• Idea 2 Movie opens with fabulous, fantastic space vista with just the subtitle "Space(Artists Depiction)"

• Idea 3 Neither of those, just cut to bellow.

Opening Sequence

Short sequence depicting the character's location, giving the name of the solar system, the planet, and the moon, all with descriptors that do not paint it in a particularly good light. Things like "Ass-end" and "armpit of". Something like:

"Remote Ammonia Mining Station G2" "Orbiting Ganamari 8" "Ass-End of the Steno Ganamarian System" "Armpit of the Milky-Way Galaxy"

Our heroes are wearing bulky space suits. The insides of the helmets are illuminated so you can clearly see their faces. Despite this, Ivan is wearing sunglasses.

Scene opens with with a close up of Ivan. He's wearing a space suit but has his sunglasses on. He looks serious. He raises his rifle to his shoulder.

Cut to wide shot, Ivan fires into a rock wall and laughs as it explodes.

Terrence come up behind him and shoves him.

Terrence: "Cut that out! Lasers are expensive!"

Terrence takes a few steps forward, crossing in front of Ivan.

Terrence: "Are we getting close?"

Ivan: "As the asteroidal moon passes through the gas giant's third ring, it picks gaseous ammonia particles. The Moon is riddles with caves, and gravity pulls the ammonia down. Eventually it forms an atmosphere, and there's enough pressure for it to liquefy."

Terrence: "I know. My balls are frozen to me suit. But that doesn't answer my question."

Ivan: "Sorry."

Terrence: "Are we getting close?"

Ivan glances at a wrist computer and waves his arm.

Ivan: "About forty more... something, that way."

Ivan begins to walk and Terrence follows.

Ivan: "So, down here in the caves where it's deep enough, they set up collection plants. The ammonia is liquid, so they just have to pump it into tanks. Shafts run up to the surface on mag-levs, where robotic drones retrieve the tanks. And, thus, you have an ammonia mine."

Terrence: "Thanks for the color commentary."

Ivan: "So, we, intrepid space heroes that we are, get to descend into the caves and re-start the laser-fusion initiator on the power-plant."

Terrence: "Yay us."

Ivan: "Now, the initiator--"

Terrence: "Ivan, I know ALL of this. Why are you explaining it?"

Ivan: "Well, you said your brains were frozen."

Terrence: "BALLS, Ivan, BALLS."

Ivan, shrugging: "Either way, its the thing you do your thinking with."

They walk a bit further and arrive at some sort of machine.

As Ivan approaches it he hits his head on a rock outcropping.

Ivan: "Why do they make these suits with lights on the inside of the helmet? I can barely see!"

Terrence: "The shades are probably not helping, buddy."

Ivan, tapping the machine: "I think we're here!"

Subtext informs the viewer that they have reached "The (highly unstable) Laser Fusion Initiator".

Terrence: "Do you know how to operate one of these things?"

Ivan smacks the console with the butt of his gun and the machine lights up.

Ivan: "Piece of cake."

The camera changes to a shot over the two men's shoulders where the screen of the machine is visible. The screen clearly indicates that a core overload is in progress.

We could stop the scene right there and cut to them safely on ship, or do some bullshit where they solve the problem.

First Act

Scene 1

Brief establishing shot around Beowulf's crowded living quarters.

Terrence(emerging from a hatch at the rear): "MY space suit is going to smell like ammonia for months."

Ivan: "Better than the smell before you cleaned it out."

Terrence crosses the cramped cabin and deposits a bottle of cleaner into a rack and sits down at the terminal in the corner.

Ivan, still standing and holding a star chart: "Computer, prepare to break orbit and lay in course preset one-one-two-mark four."

Computer: "Sorry, I didn't get that."

Ivan: "Computer, break orbit."

Computer: "Checking stock prices... unable to esablish connection."

Ivan(rolling up the star chart): "Computer! Orbit! Break it!"

Computer: "Checking show times for 'Breakin' Two: Electric Bogaloo."

Camera pans back to Terrence.

Terrence: "Ivan, you just have to know how to work it. Watch. Computer: smooth jazz." (note: we can substitute a different kind of music so long as its recognizable)

Computer begins to play music.

Terrence: "See?"

Ivan twists star chart into a pretzel just as indicator light flashes on console behind Terrence.

Crossing the cabin, Ivan shuts off a speaker which stops the music.

They lean over a screen which shows a weird rubber forheaded alien, whom we know as Slade.

Terrence: "What the hell do you want, Slade?!"

Slade: "Such hostility! I come bearing gifts."

Terrence: "Forget it, Slade, your last 'gift' sent us into an exploding Amonia mine. We're mercenaries, k? We don't need the shitty work YOU provide!" Now on the spaceship, Terrence complains that his space suit is going to smell like ammonia for months. Ivan replies that that's better than what it smelled like before Terrence cleaned out the inside. (The implication is that Terrence shit his space-pants and had to clean them out with ammonia).

Through the screen, we can see Slade is sitting behind a desk in a spacious office, with a bikini-clad alien babe behind him. He leans back and orders a drink. "Danglesh, please, Quanthex Dankers." The girl nods and takes a step over to a replicator in the wall and carefully punches in a series of commands, a drink is replicated and she brings it to Slade's table. He awkwardly uses the moment to brush his hand against her bare skin, and she is obviosuly repulsed by his touch. He takes a zip from the weird alien drink, and returns his attention to our heroes.

Slade: "This one calls for your all-important skill-set! Sort of. Namely, having a ship, and still always needing money."

Terrence: "I got what you need right here." as he speaks he points down, either towards a button on the console or his crotch. Either way he reaches for the button, but Ivan stops him.

Ivan: "Just tell us about the job."

Slade: "A trinket, really. I need you to go Barleone and retrieve an item for me. I've taken an interest is Miduan culture, I believe their Heart of Light would look good on my mantle."

Terrence(insensed): "You want us to STEAL a cultural treasure from a repressed native tribe?!"

Slade(Defensively): "Not from the natives! From your old friend, Muldoon."

Ivan(through gritted teeth): "Muldoon..."

Terrence: "The jackass miner? HIM?! Yeah, Slade, that's definitely a 'no'."

Slade(grinning): "It's not like anyone else will hire the two of you."

Terrence hits the control and blanks the screen.

Scene 2

Scene opens from front of living quarters, Ivan is standing beside cabinet, Terrence is sitting at Table with two bowls and a bottle of something purple. Terrence tosses a fistful of alien coins onto the table. The denominations aren't important, but its clear from the look on his face that its a pathetically meager amount.

Ivan: "I'm getting dinner from the replicator, any requests?"

Terrence(Distracted): "Dealer's choice."

Ivan Taps something at the top of the cabinet before opening it and bringing out two unlabeled tin cans. He brings them back to the table and the camera pans up to his face.

Ivan: "Space-dinner is served." (His hands are out of frame, play sound effect of pop tops opening).

As Ivan sits, camera pans back down to table. One can contains something that looks like baked beans, while the other is clearly dog food. Dry kibble, something with the little bone shapes. Ivan dumps each can into a bowl.

Shrugging, Ivan takes the beans and settles into his seat, grabbing the purple bottle and squirting heaping gobs of the stuff onto his beans.

Ivan: "Aren't you going to try it?"

Camera cuts to far side of table to show Terrence, clearly disturbed by the can's contents.

Terrence: "...I'm not hungry."

Camera cuts back to Ivan, still heaping purple crap on his food.

Ivan: "I bet it tastes fine. It just needs a generous helping of... of..."

Ivan holds the label up for Terrence to see, the bottle is labeled in incomprehensible alienease.

Ivan: "What the hell is this crap?"

Terrence takes the bottle from Ivan while Ivan piles a large spoonfool of food into his mouth. He immediately turns red, starts coughing and choking, and sweats very profusely.

Camera cuts back to Terrence, who considers the bottle thoughtfully while Ivan flails and cries at the edge of the screen.

Terrence: "Who even does our shopping?"

Computer: "Sorry, I couldn't find movie times for 'agh, I think I'm dying, hnnnn'."

Terrence, nodding and gesturing to the speaker above him "Right".

Terrence tosses the bottle abjectly on the table and leans back, staring up at nothing.

Terrence: "We wouldn't have to put up with this bullshit if I still had my reputation." (note: this needs to be phrased better)

Scene pauses for a moment as subtext clarifies: "Bullshit" = Dangerous, low-paying missions, dog food.

Camera cuts back over to Ivan, who has recovered some.

Ivan: "Dude... we see and do enough crazy crap every day, who even cares? We're flying through the galaxy on a spaceship. Everything else is secondary."

Camera cuts back to show Terrence, who thumps his fist on the table and taps the glass bowl of kibble irritably.

Terrence: "I'd call this secondary." (Note: this line could also be improved) Terrence's short rant about the alien impersonating him goes here.

Camera cuts back over to Ivan.

Ivan: "WEll, you know what I think?" He pauses to take a second bite of food.

Camera cuts to a side view of both heroes, Ivan still with the spoon in his mouth, turning bright red and sweating again.

Terrence: "No, I really don't care what you think."

Scene.

Scene 3

Later that evening we get a few establishing shots around the ship. There's a cockpit area and some living space. Not much, our heroes sleep in bunk beds, and the center of the room they live in contains the transporter platform. The whole space is cramped, with exposed conduits and tubing everywhere, and decorated the way you'd expect two broke bachelors to do up a room. We need at least one poster of a green-skinned alien.

With Ivan asleep, Terrence sits down at the chair by the communications terminal and contemplates a bird feather. The camera cuts to a scene in which he talks to his spirit animal, a bird with a broken wing. Maybe he won't actually talk. We'll figure out the specifics later. Eventually it cuts back to the ship where Terrence returns to the communications system and raises the alien from before.

Slade is sitting in his desk chair, leaning back, while an obviously disgusted alien babe rubs his sholders. He's got some kind of computer device in his hand, we can't see the screen from this angle but a chorus of moaning gives us a good idea of what's going on.

Slade, without looking up: "Here to re-consider?"

Terrence: "Here to at least listen to terms."

Slade sets the tablet down and turns to face the screen. He snaps his fingers and the very uncomfortable girl sits down on his lap.

Slade: "Its very simple. The Heart of Light. Muldoon has it. I want it. Since you loath him and hold some affection for me, I think you'll be willing to help."

Terrence: "Skip to the part where you offer me way to little money for such a dangerous job."

Slade(wrapping him arm around the girl's middle and leaning in): "Oh, Terrence, my dear boy, I've something so much more valuable to offer you than money."

Terrence wrincles his face and glowers at the screen, but manages to speak. "Go on."

Slade: "When that nasty fellow, I forget his name, the one who impersonated you all those months? Do you recall how many times you and I spoke during that dreadful period?"

Terrence, crestfallen. "...it was more than a few. You were the only one giving us steady work during that time."

Slade, leaning back and trying unsuccessfully to make the girl lean against him: "You know I am quite meticulous with my communications logs. Each and every one of those conversations was recorded, along with the date, time, and your ship's exact coordinates at the time of transmission."

Terrence is still upset but his eyes lift at the prospect.

The girl struggles to escape Slade's grip and he lets her go, patting her on the ass as she walks out of frame.

Slade: "Your own ships logs aren't worth a damn to all the people that fellow swindled. But my records, a... proven source, from a respected businessman. That, I think, might finally convince your detractors."

Scene cuts off there.

Scene 4

The following day our heroes set off for the jump gate. The computer is no help but we get some exciting scenes as they pilot the ship. Ivan flies and Terrence navigates. Lets say they're orbiting a moon around a gas giant, and they have to fly through a dense asteroid field and navigate a gaseous stream to get to the gate.

Actually, they totally don't "Have" to fly through said field, but the jump window is opening soon and if they want to get there in time they have to take the risk. Had they had working auto-navigation, the ship could have flown the long and safe way while they slept. But, Ivan is unconcerned, as "this is more fun".

Some cool space scenes, they avoid the asteroids, fly in close to some, and get into a gaseous stream which will not be explained, but involves some cool stuff. Ivan stalls the engines(he's been trained on 2-engine craft and this is a frequent occurrence on their four-engine vehicle).

Scene 5

They arrive eventually at the jump gate, which will look really cool and is crowded with alien ships. If I can get away with it I want to sneak the Enterprise somewhere into the background. Before they can fly in for the jump, they have to wait in line and go through a toll booth, which will be the same in space as it is on earth. This wait is implied to last several hours.

Ivan and Terrence are sitting in the cockpit looking bored. Terrence has the bowl of kibble up at his station.

Reacting to some signal, Ivan manipulated the controls and a pattern of lights indicates the ship moves forward some and stops.

Cut to view of outside, as the cockpit comes close to a booth where an alien sits at a control pannel.

Cut back to view inside cockpit, low angle showing Ivan reacting to a COM screen and Terrence in the background at his station.

Alien: "Hey, that's a pretty sweet ship you got there."

Ivan, proudly: "Thanks, I rebuilt the engines myself."

Alien: "...out of what?"

Ivan: "I dunno what they were, but they're engines now!"

Alien: "Niiiiice. Full-bore Bussard collectors?"

Ivan: "You know it!"

Alien: "Adle-hoof intakes?"

Ivan: "Only the finest!"

Alien: "...Myhoff Lifters?"

Ivan: "In mint condition."

Alien(dejected): "You... have no idea what any of those things are."

Ivan: "Frankly I'm not even sure what language you're speaking."

While the above is going on in the background, Terrence starts by eyeing his bowl of kibble. He picks a piece up, studies it closely, and finally tosses it in his mouth. For a moment his face is placid, then he makes a very disgusted expression, sticks out his tongue a few times, and leans over to spit. He spits again, coughs, and dry-heaves for the rest of the exchange.

Alien: "Well, everything looks like its in order. Final destination?"

Ivan: "We're going to--"

Terrence interupts: "We're going to Bussell System, to

Its as they approach the jump that Ivan goes to give a final destination, and Terrence interrupts to provide a different one. Ivan is shocked, but Terrence overrides him and they go to the destination specified. During this scene Terrence explains briefly that they are "taking the job".

Scene 6

Scene begins with an outside view of the ships, camera panning towards a window. We can see in through the window with Ivan and Terrance sitting at the table, gesturing emphatically at each other as if embroiled in some sort of argument. The camera switches to the inside, and Ivan finishes with "You say 'phallic' like that's a bad thing." Terrence calls him an idiot.

Ivan then takes out a small tablet and provides a brief overview of the item they are to steal. The Heart of Light is a cultual treasure belonging to the madeupname people of the planet they eventually go to (which for now we will call "planet salvador" because shut up). Many of the indigenous people's cultural treasures have been stolen by outsiders who have been just fucking up the planet. The place is rich in natural resources, see, and the dude they have to steal from runs a bigass mine.

Ivan calls the people of planet salvador "primitive" but Terrence quickly corrects him, saying that they have a rich, vibrant culture, and its only because of jerks like EvilMiningGuy that they get such a bad rap. Ivan counters by pointing out that they hadn't developed high technology, at which point Terrence says something disparaging about Ivan's mother and her level of technological advancement.

The argument ended, Terrence concedes that "we don't know very much about [the natives]" but there's nothing wrong with the way they live.

Scene 7

Terrence and Ivan consider a map of the solar system containing planet salvador, including the jump gate, space port, and orbital refinery. They know the Heart of Light is in one of Badminingguy's estates on the planet, and conveniently plan their heist for a time when he won't be home.

The problem is: everything coming in and out of the solar system is tracked. There isn't another nearby jumpgate in range(the nearest other habitable solar system is hundreds of light years, a journey of weeks in Beowulf(their starship).

Ivan offers that he can use Beowulf's main deflector to open a transpatial flector. Terrence immediately calls bullshit on this statement, not because he thinks its impossible, but because he things Ivan just pulled those words out of his ass. Ivan explains its, quote "A thing you can do" while traversing between jump gates. Its basically a less controlled version of how the gates work, but if they time it right, it will kick them out into normal space "short" of the gate - meaning they can travel to the solar system without having to pass through the gate at the end.

Terrence enquirers if this same technique could be used to enter the jumpgate network, which Ivan confrims. He then ponders why no one does this(as it would bypass tolls), and Ivan simple shrugs and figures no ones ever thought of it. The subtext informs the viewer that it is "suicidally dangerous" and that Ivan is probably aware of that.

Second Act

They execute Ivan's insane plan and have to evade patrols. Since they can't enter orbit around the planet they will have to do a fly-by and go down in an escape pod(if there's time they can complain about the cost - escape pods ain't cheap). They can get beamed back up, but they have to set the coordinates ahead of time and rely on the ship's notoriously fallable computer. How much of this we actually expos is up for consideration, but that's the plan.

Escape Pod part

Before leaving the ship, Terrence calls to Ivan to get moving, and Ivan says that he "just needs to get some food out of the replicator" for the trip. At this point the camera angle actually allows us to see inside, revealing the replicator to litterally just be a pantry. Ivan still makes a big show of asking the replicator for something before opening it.

Ivan is moving around the cabin grabbing supplies, Terrence is at the table scratching some notes on a folded chart.

Terrence: "Ivan, I'm doing the math, and I don't like this. Your plan has us re-entering the atmosphere faster than the safety threshold. A lot faster."

Ivan: "You mean entering."

Terrence: "What?"

Ivan: "Atmospheric re-entry implicilty requires us to leave the atmosphere first. Since we've never been to this planet, and our escape pod definitely hasn't, we can't possible be 're'-entering the atmosphere. This is atmospheric 'entry'."

Terrence makes an exasperated what the fuck face.

Terrence: "FINE. We're still making atmosphereic 'entry'"(sarcastic air quotes)"a lot faster than recomended."

Ivan: "How much faster?"

Terrence: "Eight, maybe ten percent? But that's past the escape pod's maximum recomended entry speed, and these specs are for a new pod. I don't need to remind you, ours is a bit past it's use-by date."

Ivan: "Pfffft. Escape Pod expiration dates are the biggest scam in the universe. EVERYBODY knows that! Oh yeah they say the ablative heat shield starts to break down, but that's just a lie to get you to buy a new escape pod every ten years! And you know THEY are the ones to sell you the pod!"

Terrence: "Ok. Our pod is forty years old, the ablative heat shield has your initials carved in it, AND we're planning to hit the atmosphere going a lot faster than we should."

Ivan: "Ten percent is hardly 'a lot'."

Terrence: "It is when you're talking about orbital velocity!"

Ivan: "Chill, I already worked all this out before we even approached this plan. We're fine."

Terrence: "Freaking HOW?!"

Ivan: "You're using the specs out of a manual. Yeah, we're hitting too fast. But there's also only two of us instead of the three the pod is designed for, and, we're going to make it a water landing."

Terrence: "We what now?"

Ivan: "Yeah, dude. We're targetting to land just off the coast. We can hit the water a lot faster than land. It's cool. It'll be cool. We're cool."

Ivan gives Terrence a double thumbs up a few times, Terrence shakes his head.

Escape Pod Escape Scenes

This whole sequence will be mostly silent.

Establishing shot as Ivan and Terrence open the hatch to the escape pod. This should look suspiciously like a toilet seat. Maybe add a shot where Ivan is inside and Terrence is passing him packs, but only if feasible.

Inside the pod its dark and extremely cramped, we'll use the lack of light to cover up the fact that the pod is a really crummy set. Camera shows both individuals, Terrence is very somber preparing for the dangerous descent, while Ivan is fiddling with a rubix cube.

Effects shot from the outside of the pod leaving the ship.

Cut to wide shot as the ship flies away from the planet while the pod descends.

If possible, shot of pod entering atmosphere and becoming bathed in fire.

Shot out pods window of fire.

Shot of Terrence, gritting his teeth and looking terrified while his face is bathed in orange flame. Pan over to Ivan, who is reading a magazine. We'll make up something fun and stupid for it, like "tits and lasers"

If doable, make a shot where the pod jettisons some kind of aero-shield and activates descent thrusters. I have some ideas about this but it will be a challenge to film.

Final shot is on the ocean, the pod is sinking in the background, our heroes heads pop out of the water. As they tread water, Terrence glances over at Ivan, who is still wearing his sunglasses. Ivan glances back, and Terrence makes an exasperated face.

Planetside

They arrive on the planet surface, making a water landing just off the coast and have to swim to shore. On the beach they announce that they have 3 days to get to the beam-out coordinates, set the beacon, infiltrate the base, steal the thing, and make it back to the beam-out site.

Follow this up with a short travel montage. Lots of walking/hiking. Terrence points out that they are on the native's territory, passing through an area not controlled by evil miner guy. It shouldn't be a problem since the natives are friendly, but, ya know.

Party with Locals

The characters meet a tribe of natives who greet them warmly(subtitles will tell you exactly what they are saying, but Terrence still has to translate for Ivan, giving him a very clifnotes version.

Ivan replies to the greeting by attempting to explain who they are and what they're doing, how they got there, etc, using a lot of hand-signals, simple words, and sound effects. The tribal leader stares at him for a bit, then turns to Terrence and asks(while pointing at Ivan) if Ivan is some kind of moron. Terrence curtly replies "yes".

The natives are either having a party of throw one(there exact motivations don't really matter). There should be a good overhead shot of everyone dancing among torches. If we frame it right we won't even need to do this part out in the woods, we just need to get the lighting right.

Ivan starts dancing like an idiot. Seriously stupid dance moves. I have some ideas, they will look bad. A few of the natives are confused, most are repulsed. Girls being uncomfortable around my character: now an official theme.

Monster Chase Scene

While hanging around the edge of the festivities, Terrence makes eye contact with an attractive alien babe who is clearly giving him the look(no subtlety required here). Terrence first gestures uncertainly towards Ivan, and the girl shakes her head emphatically no. Terrence points to himself and she gives him a little nod, gesturing for him to follow.

Terrence follows the girl to a secluded pond where she undresses. Getting the idea, Terrence strips off quickly and follows her. They get about waist-deep in the water with her backing up and him following. The camera shot will be over Terrence's shoulder.

Rather suddenly the girl side-steps and a horrible monster leaps out of the bushes. Terrence screams and runs.

Cut back and forth to shots of Terrence running through the jungle, looking over his shoulder, seeing the monster gain.

Cut to shot of Ivan, switching on a laser site and bringing his rifle up to his shoulder.

Terrence trips while turning to look behind him and the monster towers over him. He screams, then Ivan shoots the monster and kills it.

Ivan moves in over Terrence and tosses him pants.

Terrence: "...thanks."

(Note: you can wear swim trunks and shoes for this scene, we're never going to shoot bellow your waist. Just understand that the nudity is implied)

Next Part

Our heroes get to the mine, infiltrate the death fortress, and steal the thing. Obviously we've got a large amount of detail to fill in.

Some notes:

• The natives tell them about a tunnel
• Inside the tunnel they find a talking riddle door
• Ivan shoots the door several times and our heroes proceed through a hole in it.

When Ivan and Terrence encounter the puzzle door, they have a brief discussion about how to defeat it. Ivan posits that he has an idea, raises his gun, and starts shooting(the end of the muzzle will be slightly out of frame so we don't have to render all the laser shots). Ivan first fires a pretty reasionable volley. Then fires a second round. Then continues to fire a frankly unneccesary number of times while Terrence glares at him. After the first few shots Ivan isn't even looking at the door, just turning his head towards Terrence while he shoots. Terrence becomes progressively more aggisted and Ivan slows down his firing rate, slows a bit more, then pauses and fires off a single final shot.

He and Terrence proceed through the smoldering remains of the door.

Robot Fighting Part

Ivan: "Guards! What do we do?"

Terrence(raising gun): "They're just robots, Ivan, shoot them."

Ivan: "What if they aren't robots, Terrence? What if they're just guys dressed up like Daft Punk?"

Terrence: "Shoot them twice."

A lot of how this scene works is going to depend on where we can film and who we can get to play the robots. Personally I'm thinking we ask Diana's borthers and a few of their friends to volunteer. And we could have them be skatboarding robots, which, while stupid, would be funny and look visually awesome. If we DO end up with skatboarding robots, this scene happens later on:

Ivan: "So, the day the gun was invented, the bow and arow became obsolete. Overnight."

Terrence: "Ok?"

Ivan: "Longbows of the day were superior to early guns, especially muskets, in every conceivable way. They could shoot further, faster, straighter, and do more damage to a target. A skilled bowman could fire off ten arrows in the time it takes to load one musket round, and could reliably hit a target at over three times the distance. Plus, musket balls back then, especially at the edge of range, were so low-velocity that they'd somtimes bounce right off. An arrow, fired in an ark, could go through a freaking bone at the maximum edge of range. Add in that bows were a lot cheaper, metal at the time was rare and expensive, and forging rifle barrels was an art. Comparatively bows are made of wood, and arrows could be produced fast and cheap by barely-skilled hands. An army could equip a hundre bowmen for the cost of just ten muskets."

Terrence: "I get it, but why are you telling me all this?"

Ivan: "Why did the gun so instantly render the longbow useless?"

Terrence: "I DON'T FREAKING KNOW!"

Ivan: "Training."

Terrence, exasperated: "What?"

Ivan: "A gun was ten times more expensive than a bow, but an archer had to train for a lifetime. Yeah, they were objectively better in combat, but you could teach a man to fire a musket in an afternoon, and he'd master the skill in a few weeks. That meant they could ultimately field way bigger armies, because oulling a dude out if the field and shoving a gun in his hands was easy."

Terrence: "Fun fact, ok, but again, why are you mentioning all this?"

Ivan: "Just thinking out loud. A security guard who skateboards can cover more ground, and a skilled skateboarder could easily outrun a guy on foot. They'd even have the advantage when it comes to dealing with obstacles. You don't see skateboarding security guards for the same reason early armies during the beginning of the gun era didn't field a bunch of archers: all the added training just isn't worth the advantage. But a robot doesn't have that problem; once you teach one robot how to skateboard, its just a matter of copying that code out to all the rest of your robots. Ergo: skateboarding robot security guards."

Terrence: "You are such a friggin idiot..."

Escape

They escape, and are helped by the tribe they met earlier. Terrence meets with the girl who tried to feed him to the monster, who explains that it's all a weird misunderstanding and she legitimately thought he wanted to be eaten. She makes it clear she has no interest in him sexually and even laughs at the idea. Though not explicitly stated, Terrence interprets this to be related to his recent disgrace, lamenting that even girls in primitive tribes know about it.

For their help, Ivan offers to return the Heart of Light to them, explaining that it's not right that they(he and Terrence) should keep it. The natives politely refuse the offer, explaining that "the heart of light is just some glowing hunk of rock we found in a cave" and that they have been pretending for years that all sorts of random bullshit is sacred cultural treasures so the invaders will steal those and leave their actual treasures alone.

Final Act

They get to the beam-out site on time and make it back to their ship. More bullshitting around in space ensues, and they escape and reach the planet where their contact is waiting to receive the thing.

Its Klepton for now, but we can find a better name.

The planet could be a heavily atmosphere moon like Titan. One idea is we could use the HardWar video game to do some of the exterior shots(again, "artists depiction"). They meet with the contact and hand the thing over, and then Terrence asks for the information to clear his name. The guy laughs in his face, pointing out that, at most, six people were fooled and no one actually cares, Ivan and Terrance are so "small-time" that they don't have a reputation to speak of.

In the later scenes, our heroes infiltrate McForheadGuy's place, and reach a sealed door where he talks to them through a video display. Ivan blasts the door open and tells Terrence to go in, that he'll cover him. (Note: this is so that I can play McForheadGuy without having to be in the same room). Terrence faces him and his collection of bikin-clad alien babes. We'll need to find someplace suitably high-end to film this or get really creative with the set.

Slade's Pad

Our heroes go to see Slade and deliver the item. He curtly informs them, via video monitor, that they can leave it on the door step and get the hell out. Angered by this, Terrence pushes through the door.

In the next chamber, Terrence meets and alien who produces a crazy looking knife and waves it around menacingly.

Knife guy: "You wish to intrude upon my master? Well, you should be warned I am the finest Dakri fighter on all of Klepton!"

Terrence is completely unfazed by this statement, and places a hand on his rifle.

Terrence: "So, there's two problems with that statement."

Knife guy, doing some elaborate bullshit with his knife: "Oh?"

Terrence, shrugging: "First, I ain't from Klepton."

As Terrence finishes speaking, he side-steps and Ivan moves forward, rifle at the ready.

Terrence: "The second is that this ain't a Dakri fight."

For emphasis, Terrence fires his laser gun into the ceiling.

Knife guy shakes like a leaf and emits a high-pitched, girlish scream before dropping his weapon and running down a side tunnel.

Terrence shoots the next door open.

Ivan takes up station beside it.

Ivan: "Go in, I'll cover you."

Terrence: "You sure?"

Ivan: "In case knife-guy or a competent body guard shows up. Go!"

Terrence nods and runs down the hallway.

Showdown With Slade

Terrence bursts into Slade's room, rifle at the ready. Slade is wearing a comfortable bath robe and apparently preparing for a dip in his private hot tub along with three bikini-clad alien babes, all of whom look like they'd rather be somewhere else. He sits in a chair and they remain near him, fawning over him. When he gestures they come close.

Terrence: "I want the data crystal you promised me, Slade!"

Slade, offhandledly: "Take it."

Slade gestures to a table nearby where a small crystal sits.

Terrence glances quickly at the crystal but keeps his rifle trained on Slade. He side-steps to the table and grabs the crystal, dropping it in his vest pocket then returning both hands to the weapon.

Terrence: "Why didn't you give it to me when I brought you your damn Heart of Light?!"

Slade: "If I'd known you were going to scuff up so many of my nice doors on your way in, I would have. Honestly, I just didn't think you'd care so much, and I do so enjoy a nice..."

Slade pauses his sentense to stare hungrilly up at one of the girls.

Slade: "...bath."

Terrence lifts his rifle menacingly.

Terrence: "You knew how important that information was to me!"

Slade bursts out laughing: "Oh, is it? You really thing a few, minor log notes are going to change anything."

Ending

Dejected, our heroes return to the ship and Ivan sets a new course. Terrence asks why they're going there, and Ivan replies, quite simply "because we've never been there before" and the movie ends.

OR:

Slade is in his tastefully decorated evil hot tub room surrounded by chicks(like 3 girls, all of whom clearly detest him) you walk in there and have your final confrontation while he's just sitting there in his robe having girls fawn over him. You say your bit, he says his mean things, witty diagloge etc. Finally you lift up your gun and just fucking shoot him in the chest. The girls all leap away when the gun comes up and you just unload right into the guy and he is clearly dead. Then the girls walk over and start fawning over you. Camera comes in and you just say "I don't even know what to say about this." Scene. End of the film, cue credits.

Extra

• Random Scene to jam in somewhere: Ivan and Terrence are seen through the window of the ship, sitting at the table arguing animately. Terrence is exasperated and annoyed, but its space so you can't hear what they're saying. Camera cuts to inside the ship, where Ivan finished a sentence with "I'm just saying, you act like the word 'phallic' is a bad thing."

• In a moment of moral angst, Terrence sits on the ship pondering a bird feather, and decides to contact his spirit animal for moral guidance. Cut to dream/vision sequence with Terrence and a hawk/bird of prey. There will be a log of weird artsy close ups of the bird's eye and shit, maybe Terrence screams out his frustrations? Try and get some Enya playing in the background. The quest is interupted by Ivan, saying something completely banal and unrelated.