IDF Script

Let me preface this by saying I have no idea how to write or format a film script. However, like the heroes of our story, I don't intend to let that stop me.

Concept

The film is to be frames as a sort of documentary, with occasional subtext and voice overs to provide additional information. Our characters themselves are very "genre savy", in that they are well aware that their lives are a pulp sci-fi adventure. IDF World provides more background on the universe they live in. Obviously the movie will never take itself very seriously, we are striving to have fun creating awesome visual effects and whatnot.

Opening

• Idea 1 The movie opens with a nearly black screen with maybe one or two dots, and the subtitle "Space". It then says "You know what? Actual pictures of space are really boring." The screen then changes to a fantastic CGI starscape with subtitle "Space (Artists Depiction)". Going forward, most things in film will have "Artists Depiction" added on to the end. - Mike doesn't care for this idea

• Idea 2 Movie opens with fabulous, fantastic space vista with just the subtitle "Space(Artists Depiction)"

• Idea 3 Neither of those, just cut to bellow.

Opening Sequence

Short sequence depicting the character's location, giving the name of the solar system, the planet, and the moon, all with descriptors that do not paint it in a particularly good light. Things like "Ass-end" and "armpit of". Something like:

"Remote Ammonia Mining Station G2" "Orbiting Ganamari 8" "Ass-End of the Steno Ganamarian System" "Armpit of the Milky-Way Galaxy"

Our heroes are wearing bulky space suits. The insides of the helmets are illuminated so you can clearly see their faces. Despite this, Ivan is wearing sunglasses.

Shot opens with Ivan, alone, firing a laser gun at the rock face and watching it explode and pieces fly off. Terrence comes out of a side passage and berates him, indicating that "lasers are expensive" and making him stop. The two then proceed down an inclinde, and Terrence asks if they are "getting close".

Ivan launches into an explanation of how the asteroidal moon gathers ammonia from one of the planet's rings, which gets pulled down to the asteroid surface and flows into caves, where the asteroid's gravity eventually produces enough pressure and cold for it to condense into a liquid. Terrence makes a comment about how his balls are frozen.

In any case, Ivan continues and explains that they are here to re-start the laser-fusion initiators on a remote ammonia harvesting machine. Terrence questions why Ivan is telling him all these things he already knows, to which Ivan replies that "since your brains are frozen, I thought you might need a reminder."

Ivan hits his head on a rock outcropping and complains that he can barely see. Terrence replies that these suits stupidly have lights inside the helmet shining in their eyes. He also comments that Ivan's sunglasses probably aren't helping.

Subtext informs the viewer that they have reached "The (highly unstable) Laser Fusion Initiator".

Our heroes approach the console and Terrence asks if Ivan knows how to operate one of these. Ivan smacks the console with the butt of his gun and it comes online, and Ivan announces "piece of cake". The initiator then informs them of a pending core overload.

We could stop the scene right there and cut to them safely on ship, or do some bullshit where they solve the problem.

First Act

Scene 1

Now on the spaceship, Terrence complains that his space suit is going to smell like ammonia for months. Ivan replies that that's better than what it smelled like before Terrence cleaned out the inside. (The implication is that Terrence shit his space-pants and had to clean them out with ammonia).

Ivan then attempts to order the ship's AI to break orbit and put them on a heading to the nearest jump gate, but the AI, being barely more sophisticated than Siri, is not capable of doing as he asks. Terrence then explains that you "have to know how to work it" or something to that effect, and orders the AI to play music, which it does successfully(that's basically the one thing the AI can do right).

They are interrupted by the communications system and talk to an alien they know. We don't see too much, but the alien has a replicator behind him which he orders a drink from, saying words that are clearly a name and a quantity, but both sound like nonsense(something like "Danglesh, please, Quanthex Dankers." McRubberhead offers our heroes a job, asking them to steal a priceless artifact from one of his rivals rivals. Terrence flatly refuses the job and alien mcrubberhead indicates that "no one else will hire them". After terminating the link, the two settle in for dinner.

Scene 2

Scene opens from front of living quarters, Ivan is standing beside cabinet, Terrence is sitting at Table with two bowls and a bottle of something purple.

Ivan: "I'm getting dinner from the replicator, any requests?"

Terrence(Distracted): "Dealer's choice."

Ivan Taps something at the top of the cabinet before opening it and bringing out two unlabeled tin cans. He brings them back to the table and the camera pans up to his face.

Ivan: "Space-dinner is served." (His hands are out of frame, play sound effect of pop tops opening).

As Ivan sits, camera pans back down to table. One can contains something that looks like baked beans, while the other is clearly dog food. Dry kibble, something with the little bone shapes. Ivan dumps each can into a bowl.

Shrugging, Ivan takes the beans and settles into his seat, grabbing the purple bottle and squirting heaping gobs of the stuff onto his beans.

Ivan: "Aren't you going to try it?"

Camera cuts to far side of table to show Terrence, clearly disturbed by the can's contents.

Terrence: "...I'm not hungry."

Camera cuts back to Ivan, still heaping purple crap on his food.

Ivan: "I bet it tastes fine. It just needs a generous helping of... of..."

Ivan holds the label up for Terrence to see, the bottle is labeled in incomprehensible alienease.

Ivan: "What the hell is this crap?"

Terrence takes the bottle from Ivan while Ivan piles a large spoonfool of food into his mouth. He immediately turns red, starts coughing and choking, and sweats very profusely.

Camera cuts back to Terrence, who considers the bottle thoughtfully while Ivan flails and cries at the edge of the screen.

Terrence: "Who even does our shopping?"

Computer: "Sorry, I couldn't find movie times for 'agh, I think I'm dying, hnnnn'."

Terrence, nodding and gesturing to the speaker above him "Right".

Ivan makes a big show of getting some food "From the replicator" and the camera shows him pulling two cans out of a very ordinary looking cupboard. The shot will be arranged such that he opens the door towards the camera so the viewer can't see inside. He takes out two cans with no labels, and the dialogue implies that this is normal for their "replicator" after opening the cans and dumping them into bowls, one is baked beans and the other is clearly dog food. Terrence indicates he's not hungry.

Terrence makes a statement about how they wouldn't have to "put up with" this nonsense if people still respected him. (Subtext will clarify that the "nonsense" in question is low-paying but extremely dangerous missions, and eating dog food). Ivan replies that he's over-reacting, and Terrence goes on a short rant about how some alien impersonated him and made a fool out of him, while burning bridges with all their most important contacts. Ivan, now eating the beans, make a comment that they see enough crazy shit every single day that little things like reputation aren't important.

Scene 3

Later that evening we get a few establishing shots around the ship. There's a cockpit area and some living space. Not much, our heroes sleep in bunk beds, and the center of the room they live in contains the transporter platform. The whole space is cramped, with exposed conduits and tubing everywhere, and decorated the way you'd expect two broke bachelors to do up a room. We need at least one poster of a green-skinned alien.

With Ivan asleep, Terrence sits down at the chair by the communications terminal and contemplates a bird feather. The camera cuts to a scene in which he talks to his spirit animal, a bird with a broken wing. Maybe he won't actually talk. We'll figure out the specifics later. Eventually it cuts back to the ship where Terrence returns to the communications system and raises the alien from before. They have a conversation in which said alien intones that he can "make everything right" for our heroes(particularly Terrence) and that he'll do it if they can retrieve an item called The Heart of Light from one of his rivals. Terrence ends the conversation by fiercely informing the guy that he'll "think about it".

Scene 4

The following day our heroes set off for the jump gate. The computer is no help but we get some exciting scenes as they pilot the ship. Ivan flies and Terrence navigates. Lets say they're orbiting a moon around a gas giant, and they have to fly through a dense asteroid field and navigate a gaseous stream to get to the gate.

Actually, they totally don't "Have" to fly through said field, but the jump window is opening soon and if they want to get there in time they have to take the risk. Had they had working auto-navigation, the ship could have flown the long and safe way while they slept. But, Ivan is unconcerned, as "this is more fun".

Some cool space scenes, they avoid the asteroids, fly in close to some, and get into a gaseous stream which will not be explained, but involves some cool stuff. Ivan stalls the engines(he's been trained on 2-engine craft and this is a frequent occurrence on their four-engine vehicle).

Scene 5

They arrive eventually at the jump gate, which will look really cool and is crowded with alien ships. If I can get away with it I want to sneak the Enterprise somewhere into the background. Before they can fly in for the jump, they have to wait in line and go through a toll booth, which will be the same in space as it is on earth. This wait is implied to last several hours.

Its as they approach the jump that Ivan goes to give a final destination, and Terrence interrupts to provide a different one. Ivan is shocked, but Terrence overrides him and they go to the destination specified. During this scene Terrence explains briefly that they are "taking the job".

Scene 6

Scene begins with an outside view of the ships, camera panning towards a window. We can see in through the window with Ivan and Terrance sitting at the table, gesturing emphatically at each other as if embroiled in some sort of argument. The camera switches to the inside, and Ivan finishes with "You say 'phallic' like that's a bad thing." Terrence calls him an idiot.

Ivan then takes out a small tablet and provides a brief overview of the item they are to steal. The Heart of Light is a cultual treasure belonging to the madeupname people of the planet they eventually go to (which for now we will call "planet salvador" because shut up). Many of the indigenous people's cultural treasures have been stolen by outsiders who have been just fucking up the planet. The place is rich in natural resources, see, and the dude they have to steal from runs a bigass mine.

Ivan calls the people of planet salvador "primitive" but Terrence quickly corrects him, saying that they have a rich, vibrant culture, and its only because of jerks like EvilMiningGuy that they get such a bad rap. Ivan counters by pointing out that they hadn't developed high technology, at which point Terrence says something disparaging about Ivan's mother and her level of technological advancement.

The argument ended, Terrence concedes that "we don't know very much about [the natives]" but there's nothing wrong with the way they live.

Scene 7

Terrence and Ivan consider a map of the solar system containing planet salvador, including the jump gate, space port, and orbital refinery. They know the Heart of Light is in one of Badminingguy's estates on the planet, and conveniently plan their heist for a time when he won't be home.

The problem is: everything coming in and out of the solar system is tracked. There isn't another nearby jumpgate in range(the nearest other habitable solar system is hundreds of light years, a journey of weeks in Beowulf(their starship).

Ivan offers that he can use Beowulf's main deflector to open a transpatial flector. Terrence immediately calls bullshit on this statement, not because he thinks its impossible, but because he things Ivan just pulled those words out of his ass. Ivan explains its, quote "A thing you can do" while traversing between jump gates. Its basically a less controlled version of how the gates work, but if they time it right, it will kick them out into normal space "short" of the gate - meaning they can travel to the solar system without having to pass through the gate at the end.

Terrence enquirers if this same technique could be used to enter the jumpgate network, which Ivan confrims. He then ponders why no one does this(as it would bypass tolls), and Ivan simple shrugs and figures no ones ever thought of it. The subtext informs the viewer that it is "suicidally dangerous" and that Ivan is probably aware of that.

Second Act

They execute Ivan's insane plan and have to evade patrols. Since they can't enter orbit around the planet they will have to do a fly-by and go down in an escape pod(if there's time they can complain about the cost - escape pods ain't cheap). They can get beamed back up, but they have to set the coordinates ahead of time and rely on the ship's notoriously fallable computer. How much of this we actually expos is up for consideration, but that's the plan.

Before leaving the ship, Terrence calls to Ivan to get moving, and Ivan says that he "just needs to get some food out of the replicator" for the trip. At this point the camera angle actually allows us to see inside, revealing the replicator to litterally just be a pantry. Ivan still makes a big show of asking the replicator for something before opening it.

They arrive on the planet surface, making a water landing just off the coast and have to swim to shore. On the beach they announce that they have 3 days to get to the beam-out coordinates, set the beacon, infiltrate the base, steal the thing, and make it back to the beam-out site.

Follow this up with a short travel montage. Lots of walking/hiking. Terrence points out that they are on the native's territory, passing through an area not controlled by evil miner guy. It shouldn't be a problem since the natives are friendly, but, ya know.

When stopping to camp for the night, our heroes are set upon by some of the locals. Terrence can speak a little of their language, but Ivan is limited to hand signs. The Natives clearly think he's some kind of moron, but invite them to come to some sort of party or celebration anyway.

During the evening, Terrence is lured off by a hot alien babe who takes him to a secluded pond and takes off her clothes. Figuring he doesn't have to speak her language to get the hint, Terrence strips down and follows her into the pond. Before he can get anything started, though, the babe tries to feed him to some sort of monster. As he screams and tries to escape, Ivan kills the monster with a well-aimed laser blast. Terrence thanks him, and they decide to leave.

Next Part

Our heroes get to the mine, infiltrate the death fortress, and steal the thing. Obviously we've got a large amount of detail to fill in. They escape, and are helped by the tribe they met earlier. Terrence meets with the girl who tried to feed him to the monster, who explains that it's all a weird misunderstanding and she legitimately thought he wanted to be eaten. She makes it clear she has no interest in him sexually and even laughs at the idea. Though not explicitly stated, Terrence interprets this to be related to his recent disgrace, lamenting that even girls in primitive tribes know about it.

For their help, Ivan offers to return the Heart of Light to them, explaining that it's not right that they(he and Terrence) should keep it. The natives politely refuse the offer, explaining that "the heart of light is just some glowing hunk of rock we found in a cave" and that they have been pretending for years that all sorts of random bullshit is sacred cultural treasures so the invaders will steal those and leave their actual treasures alone.

Final Act

They get to the beam-out site on time and make it back to their ship. More bullshitting around in space ensues, and they escape and reach the planet where their contact is waiting to receive the thing. The planet could be a heavily atmosphere moon like Titan. One idea is we could use the HardWar video game to do some of the exterior shots(again, "artists depiction"). They meet with the contact and hand the thing over, and then Terrence asks for the information to clear his name. The guy laughs in his face, pointing out that, at most, six people were fooled and no one actually cares, Ivan and Terrance are so "small-time" that they don't have a reputation to speak of.

Dejected, our heroes return to the ship and Ivan sets a new course. Terrence asks why they're going there, and Ivan replies, quite simply "because we've never been there before" and the movie ends.

Extra

• Random Scene to jam in somewhere: Ivan and Terrence are seen through the window of the ship, sitting at the table arguing animately. Terrence is exasperated and annoyed, but its space so you can't hear what they're saying. Camera cuts to inside the ship, where Ivan finished a sentence with "I'm just saying, you act like the word 'phallic' is a bad thing."

• In a moment of moral angst, Terrence sits on the ship pondering a bird feather, and decides to contact his spirit animal for moral guidance. Cut to dream/vision sequence with Terrence and a hawk/bird of prey. There will be a log of weird artsy close ups of the bird's eye and shit, maybe Terrence screams out his frustrations? Try and get some Enya playing in the background. The quest is interupted by Ivan, saying something completely banal and unrelated.